Bonus Day

Last friday, I convinced Kenneth to take off work and steal away for a beautiful day in the canyon. High temps were in the mid 70s and we had a great day. After all the rain from the past week, Annie had her first opportunity to get covered in mud and thoroughly enjoyed playing with tiny rocks and trying to scale the talus piles. I sent 3 cave routes- repeating Hooligans which made me feel like my body is almost back to my pre-pregnancy strength. Here's some photos from our sweet family crag day:

Craggin' Baby

I haven’t blogged for quite some time, but I feel like things are coming back to a balance where there is more time for things like climbing. When Annie was about 6 months (right when she started crawling well), I started taking her with me to the gym once or twice a week. She thinks it’s great fun to crawl all over and chew on the ropes and hang from the holds. And for the first time since her delivery, I can say that my strength is returning. I started bouldering again for the first time in well over a year (only route climbing during my pregnancy). My body is starting to remember the faster, more powerful movement- and I notice big strides each week. While I spend the vast majority of my time at the crag/gym chasing Annie around, I am starting to send 13s again. Still a ways away from my pre-pregnancy level of performance, I feel healthy, strong, and psyched.

Annie is now 9 months old and makes me so fundamentally happy. I am in awe of her everyday as I watch her discover the world around her. I am so in love that I feel like my heart is going to explode any day now. Pure adoration. So many of my parenting worries have lulled and there are moments when I could not feel any more whole. I look forward to the evening hours every day when I read her bedtime stories, watch her eyes flutter as I nurse her to sleep, and then just rock for a while in the serenity of the moment. I feel incredibly connected to her and we have so much understanding between the two of us. There is nothing more magical.

And what I couldn’t be more happy about is how much Annie likes to be outside. It will be easier when she’s a little older and beyond the ‘I-must-shove-all-the-dirt/rocks/sticks-I-can-find-into-my-mouth-stage’, but it is still wonderful to see her hanging out at the crag as if nothing could be more normal. One of the key beta points I’ll offer to other parents trying to bring baby out to the crag is the hammock. Annie’s like most babies- when she’s tired, you have a short window to get her to sleep and beyond that it’s living with an over-tired baby (think honey badger). She’s never been one to nap easily (forget stroller, carseat, etc). Enter: hammock. I picked up one of those easily-packed, stuffs down to the size of a raincoat- hammocks at REI a couple of weeks ago and it is the ticket to napping outdoors. The downside/upside is that I have to nap with her. That’s a win-win if you ask me.

Here’s some photos of family craggin over the past couple months:

Just woke up from our nap

Cheering on Papa

Baby sign for 'Allez!'

River Ready

The best toys in life are free

We even travel with our own lifeguard

First Canyon Day

Yesterday was quite possibly one of the happiest days of my life. Annie, now 4 months old, is in love with the outdoors. In the evenings when she gets fussy and preoccupied with teething at home, I have learned that taking her out for a walk or to watch the rain or even just looking at the growing garden soothes her like nothing else. Earlier in the week we decided that if the weather looked good that we would try and take her out to the canyon to see how she would do. Our expectations were that we probably would not get to climb and that she may only last a couple of hours, but it seemed like it was time to start normalizing the wilderness experience. All week I mulled over the details. . . ‘maybe we should buy a little kid tent so we could have a place if the bugs were bad? . . . ‘what if she won’t be able to nap- she has a really hard time sleeping anywhere except her room? . . . ‘will she be hot, bored,scared? Should we bring toys for her? . . . ‘maybe she’s too little- are we being crazy parents for taking a baby in the woods? ‘. I packed and repacked, watched the forecast, tried to plan our travel times with her naptimes, etc.

And so yesterday, exactly a year after we first heard our baby’s heartbeat, we packed up the car and strapped our little girl in her car seat canyon-bound. She tolerated the drive alright for someone who likes to sit still about as much as she likes her immunizations. I rode in the back with her and entertained her with songs and bubbles and books- with my husband more amused than her by my antics to keep her happy. As soon as we got her out of the car and into her carrier for the hike in, she started this sweet cooing/singing that she started doing this past week. She sang happily all the way to the crag and had her happiest day yet.

After hanging out- touching trees and leaves and the rock, she nursed and fell asleep for one of her best naps to the lull of the nearby waterfall. She woke up in time to watch her mommy climb a few pitches and then had her toes dipped in the cool water coming off the falls. It was pretty warm, but she gladly hung out in just a diaper and stayed in the well shaded parts of the crag. She watched the bugs buzzing around and the leaves blowing and wiggled her toes in the dirt. We left around 5 when we ran out of shade.

As I sat at the base of the cliff, I started to realize how my worries were unfounded. Where better to sleep soundly? Watching her find calm and peace in our canyon, hallowed grounds for my husband and I, was beyond words. There is nothing crazy about bringing baby outside. And I savored the canyon like I never had. A year ago I would’ve been frustrated by the conditions (too hot, too muggy, all the hard routes were wet), too concerned about the numbers/the upcoming comp/getting a workout in. I would have missed the new leaves rolling out of their buds and the smell of the cool breeze. I enjoyed my old warm-up routes like they were new. Having been away from climbing for the better part of 6 months, I’m having to rely on technique and experience over strength. Climbing feels so good- and it’s peaceful and calm. No projects, no agenda, no expectations. I know I will get back in shape and get to the point where I’m ready for projecting or comps or pushing my limit, but for now I’m just going to look forward all week to our quiet, laid-back Saturdays at the crag. There’s that familiar cliché that we learn more from our children than the other way around, but I’m actually starting to believe it.

Namesake

Sometimes the journey of a lifetime is not the exotic adventure that you once thought it might be, but rather a watching your daughter meet her great grandma whose mother is her namesake. . . .

Four Generations

Happy Valentines!

Best Valentine's Day ever:

Annie's First Eight

In some ways, I cannot believe it’s already been eight weeks and in others, I feel like it has been a lifetime of emotion, growth, and introspection. For all of you that have been asking for more posts, I apologize. My hands and heart are fuller than I could have imagined. For my family and long-distance friends, I’m posting a video that I put together of Annie’s first eight weeks and some photos as well.

December was the best and the worst month of my life. Shortly after we got Annie home, I had to be re-hospitalized for a uterine infection. Laying in the ER that night, I hurt much worse than when I was in labor and felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest, having to leave my little girl at home where she was safe. That 48 hours without her was a dark time for me. I couldn’t make milk unless Kenneth brought clothes/blankets that smelled like her from home. This mother-daughter bond is so intense. The reunion with her despite the relatively short separation is something I will never forget.

Lately the crying has been very challenging: I am used to soothing babies as part of my work, so it’s hard to struggle at times with my own child. Annie is definitely her mother’s daughter (poor Kenneth). She has the hardest time being still and is often too busy to sleep so I’ve recruited one of my dear friends who is a professional baby whisperer, Kathi, to inspire some calm in the two of us.

I started climbing again last week and it feels so good. My level of strength is humbling, but it is starting to come back. The first time I went, my mind was full of Annie and worries of leaving her for a couple hours, but this past week, I was able to climb and use it to clear my mind and re-center. I am so relieved to know that climbing still works that way for me. I’ve always needed climbing or something physical (running, swimming) to cope with my stress, but I’m trying to learn new ways as well. Annie and I are doing some mommy-baby yoga & I’ve made a mommy-baby climbing workout that is downright hilarious (think pull-ups with baby in moby wrap, kissy push-ups, itsy-bitsy spider stretches . . .whatever works, right?).

Annie Quinn McGinnis

Welcome to the world, Anna Quinn McGinnis born 12/1/10 at 10:51 am. For all you NICU folk, she weighed in at 7lb. 10.78oz. with APGARs of 8 & 9. We are calling her Annie and she has already changed me to my core. I know so many people have been calling/texting/facebooking and I want you all to know we are so grateful for your words of encouragement and love- things have been pretty crazy (full stories to follow) so I figured a blogpost to catch everyone up is the easiest way to catch everyone up and give you all the details of Annie’s amazing life. We all are still in the falling in love and healing from the delivery phase, but will be ready for visitors soon.

Annie’s Birth Story

After weeks of thinking that I would be pregnant forever and feeling like I would probably go post-term (having had no early labor changes), I was shocked on Tuesday’s appointment to learn that my amniotic fluid level was dangerously low and she needed to be delivered quickly. I was worried, but she still looked very stable and still was the feisty little mover she’s been my entire pregnancy. My doctor gave me the option of going straight for a c-section because my cervix had not really started to make any changes and induction would be very difficult. I felt that because the baby was so stable, induction with a cervical ripening agent was worth a try so we went across the street and checked into Kennestone.

When they put me on the monitors as I was being admitted, I was very surprised to learn that I was already contracting every 1-2minutes because I wasn’t feeling anything yet. The trouble was that obviously with their strength, these contractions were not being productive, but they couldn’t augment my labor with anything because I was contracting too close together. Their solution was a very rough exam that ramped up my contractions to the ouch zone so that they could get my cervix open enough to break my water. After laboring for the rest of the afternoon, I was 2cm by the evening and was gaining hope for a natural delivery.

Dr. Street came over to the hospital when her office hours and tried to break my water, but it was extremely painful with the contractions and my cervix still very posterior. I accepted a dose of IV pain meds to try and that relaxed me enough that they were able to break my water after several attempts, and my contractions slowed enough to allow them to start some pitocin to get things really going. I’ve heard from so many people that pitocin contractions are significantly worse than natural contractions, but wow. I was coping with the pain pretty well, but not getting much breaks in between contractions. Those hours all blur together now, but time seemed to move very slowly and I was all over the place just trying to cope with the pain. I labored without meds until Dr. Street came back around midnight to check my progress. I was still contracting every minute despite them lowering the pitocin and had made it to 6cm. I really wanted to go without an epidural, but I knew it was time. Holding still through mind-rocking contractions while it was being inserted was THE hardest thing I have ever done. After it was in, I could relax and cope with the contractions until about 3am when I had pain just as bad if not worse than before the epidural was placed. I had made a lot of progress, but was back-laboring. No sleep for the weary.

By 7am I had spiked a fever but was 9 and ½ cm. Dr. Street had spent the night at the hospital checking in on me regularly. I cannot say enough good things about this doctor- she went above and beyond to give us great care and keep our baby girl safe. They started amp & gent and gave me a couple hours and by 9am, I still could not push the baby out because she was positioned face up and my cervix was too swollen from interventions to dilate any further. It was hard to accept after so many painful hours of laboring that this delivery would end in a c-section, but I knew it was the right thing for the baby. Her heart rate was still normal despite my increasing fever as they wheeled us to the OR. Regardless, I was very fearful that she would be born septic or depressed, but not my Annie girl.

As I’m told by Dr. Street, when they made the incision, out came her hand reaching for help. She knew it was time. Unfortunately, the incision had to be made a little larger than what is normal because the baby was so low already after a couple hours of pushing. I guess I never expected to feel near as much during the section than I did. Not pain, just immense pressure as my whole body rocked back and forth behind the drapes as I prayed my baby girl would be okay. Her cry erupted immediately after she was pulled from my belly as we cried tears of joy. She only required some suctioning, labs were drawn due to my fever, and then she came over in Kenneth’s arms. I just cried and cried and kissed her head while they were closing me. I don’t know the details, but I had some bleeding that was difficult to stop. I could hear them working and started to get worried- about Kenneth and the baby: its ironic how that concern for self changes so quickly to concern for your child immediately. I kissed them both over and over. The bleeding was soon under control but I did lose over a liter.

Holding her as they wheeled me back to the room was the most amazing thing I’ve ever felt. I had no pain. She latched quickly after several attempts and I could not have been happier. Later when they wheeled me up a floor to postpartum, they were surprised that I did not react to the bumps in the elevator and said that most c-sections get very nauseas during transport. Baby love IS the best medicine. While I continued to have some fevers after delivery, the baby was fine and beautiful and vigorous- never any fears of sepsis, thank God!

One proud new grandma (more photos to come of Annie's many admirers)

The First of Many Firsts

That first night with her proved to be very challenging. After all the visitors had left, Kenneth and I throbbed with love over this perfect baby girl we had been given. We decided on her name: Anna Quinn McGinnis (Anna Quinn was my great grandma who went by Annie). One of the sweetest moments was getting to call my grandma in the morning to let her know what we had named the baby and hearing the joy and surprise in her voice. Annie comes from a line of pretty incredible, strong, and feisty women. To prove her namesake, she passed her pediatrician exam with flying colors. Dr. Strauss was amazed at her alertness, tone, and strength. He had turned his back to her bassinette with her unwrapped and jumped as she kicked against the wall of it with a resounding thunk. Yes, I told him, I was well aware of just how strong she was after months of similar antics while I was carrying her.

During the night, she had some trouble latching and I couldn’t get her or myself positioned right because of my pain and movement limitations. Poor Kenneth was so tired he could not be roused so Annie and I both wept tears of frustration. Her cry hurts me so deep and after hours of no sleep, no food, and still only ice chips, I found it very difficult to cope. I take care of hundreds of babies and consider myself very good at soothing babies, but it felt like I was failing her as a mother. This was the first of several meltdowns. That seems like a distant memory now- just four days later- as I have developed such an intense trusting bond with my baby. It’s a deeper connection already than I could have ever imagined. We survived the first night.

May the Circle Be Unbroken

Mom brought a picture from when I was born- check out these photos:

On Love

I loved this baby more than words before she was born, but I cannot even explain the crazy love now. I spend my every hour feeding/gazing/adoring her and she looks back at me with that same power. I have been with Kenneth for ten years now and didn’t think I could love him anymore, but to see him with our daughter has brought so much love I could have never imagined. I don’t even know why I’m trying to explain any of it, because I know that I can’t- but I now understand. Annie was born knowing her father. Even in utero, he had an amazing ability to calm her and she responds to his voice as soon as he enters into the room. Seeing their bond develop is one of the most beautiful things I have ever witnessed.

Eileen told me that having a child is like leaving your heart out in the open walking around where someone could hurt it- it is extremely scary. I felt like this immediately and then unfortunately had to come to terms with the reality of the fact that there are people in this world that would try and harm my precious little baby, my heart.

I had just finished nursing her and my mom was sitting in the postpartum room with me- there was some talk about possible discharge but I still had to finish my course of IV antibiotics. We heard a knock at the door and I said to come in (expecting the pediatrician/OB/tech/nurse/lactation consultant or any of the various visitors that were constantly knocking at the door). The door opened and a strange woman in street clothes pulled the curtain to the side and said she was here to see the baby. My heart started pounding and I told her she had the wrong room (my mom was not sure if this was Kenneth’s family or a friend she did not know). The woman continued into our room saying that there was no nursery and she was here to see the baby. I was not even covered and my mom got up to guide her out as I pushed the call button frantically. My mom had pushed her out the door, but I had already given the nursing station a description of her and security apprehended her as she and the woman she was with got on the elevators.

While she certainly had mental health issues, it seemed as though she and her friend were in the hospital for a husband’s surgery and genuinely just wanted to see the babies in the nursery and after learning that there was not one, did not see what was wrong with just knocking on a random door. Her story, however, was not consistent with what happened: she told security that someone had pointed to my room and told her it was okay to go inside (which would have never happened) and that we never told her to leave the room. She was not arrested, but guarded by security in the day surgery area and forbidden to go anywhere else in the hospital. I felt as though she should have at least be detained for a psych eval.

After the immediate panic, I broke down big time. ‘What if I had been asleep and alone?’ ‘What if she wants my baby and knows where we live?’ There is a world full of bad people and bad things and the thought of any harm to my child tore at my heart with a pain I have never known. Nothing like this had happened in the past 20 years at Kennestone, but by the end of the month, the unit will be on lockdown where visitation can be more tightly controlled. We were visited by endless nursing supervisors/hospital administrators/security directors/etc to check in on us and apologize for what had happened. It was all a bit much and I finally had our amazing nurse, Sara (who cared for us the whole time we were in postpartum), fend off any more visitors. It was Sara that called our doctors and arranged for early discharge knowing that I would follow up with any issues that might develop at home. My sympathies to everyone with children- the fear that we live with and the deepest love that is so vulnerable. I cannot even imagine the depth of pain our families at Egleston must feel.

Homecoming

It is wonderful to be home. It was a little difficult at first because I was already starting to worry about Annie’s bili levels (jaundice) in the hospital starting Friday morning, but the pediatrician was not concerned. She was nursing well and still having good diapers. After the drama and we learned about early discharge, I wanted her bili level checked prior to discharge. The skin check was 12 and we headed home, but based on her appearance, I was already planning on doing some supplemental feeds when we got home. She had a really rough night that first night with gas after offering her some formula, did not have any wet diapers, and no sign of my milk coming in (probably delayed from all of the exhaustion and emotion from the previous days). In the morning, I demanded an appointment at our pediatrician and they were able to get her in. Sure enough, her bili was 16 and she needed phototherapy. They ordered a bili-bed through home health so she would not have to be admitted and it was delivered almost immediately. Thank you to all of my Egleston family for helping with that- particularly Myra : ) My milk was starting to come in so I was confident it would be short-lived, but it was still hard to have my baby in bed and not in my arms on my birthday after all we had been through. Kenneth and I took turns sitting with her to make sure she was alright under the lights and she fed great throughout the night.

My little glowworm

The worried momma's watch with Jack on duty

This morning we were back at the peds office for a bili check and she is off of phototherapy and back to breastfeeding exclusively. We couldn’t be happier. Things today were smooth sailing: no tears except for the love kind.

Thank you everyone for all of your well wishes and welcomings to our little girl. I will never take her for granted. I will never be the same.